American in Davao

A new and cherished friend of mine, Tom Martin, is an Expat here in Davao from America. When ever I see him and we have a chance to talk I always enjoy his stories and outlooks on people and life. I recently asked him if he would like to be a contributor to my blog and he emailed me this article about outlooks on life.

I hope you enjoy it and also Tom will continue to give me his wonderful and honest look at life.

Thank you Tom for sending this to me to use.

Searching for a Better Life by Tom Martin

Many people will spend their entire adult life searching for what they describe as a "better life". When you ask them what a "better life" means they can barely put it into words and certainly cannot define it in detail. If you cannot define a "better life" then how will you know when you achieve it? If you cannot determine when you achieve a "better life" then you are on an endless search. If the search for a "better life" never ends then happiness and contentment will always elude you.

Is a "better life" more money, more toys, designer clothes, expensive automobiles, a larger home, a better job, more respect, better health, a better neighborhood or more for your children than you ever had? Is a "better life" finding someone that will make you happy once and for all? Have you ever considered that perhaps a "better life" begins the moment you become content and thankful for what you have while striving to improve your present circumstances?

Mankind by nature is greedy. A young child always wants what someone else has. A baby learns early on how to use tantrum fits to get things other than what they really need. If you do not learn to control your greed it will destroy your life. If you define a "better life" as more material goods then you need to prepare yourself for a lifetime of searching because regardless of what you get it will never be enough.

If you define a "better life" as finding that one person that can make you happy you are headed for disappointment. When you find that person of your dreams it will only give you a temporary fix. It will not be the end of your search for a "better life." You see no one can make another person happy. They can only make them HAPPIER. Happiness comes from within and others may compliment our happiness, but they cannot make us happy. The reason so many relationships fail today is people are looking for someone else to make them happy.

We are approaching that time of year when people around the world will celebrate Christmas and New Year. What a perfect time to give yourself one of the greatest gifts of all, the beginning to the end of your search for a "better life." I can honestly guarantee you if you begin to examine yourself and discover what is lacking within and fix it you will achieve a "better life" and along with it will come true happiness, joy, peace and contentment.

For many reasons Expats come to the decision to move here to the Philippines. The biggest reason is that their wife/fiancée lives here or wants to return here. Another reason is the cost of living is cheaper than their home country in a lot of areas such as housing.

Just like living in your home country we have friends, people we associate with, relatives and people that know us through other associations.

In our home country we pick and chose our friends, groups and people with common interests to share with.

Even though a lot of Filipinos speak English, their fluency varies from very good to just passable, we enjoy meeting with others from our home countries or countries with a common language. As being American, I speak English. I also have trouble learning languages.

Because of this, I tend to meet and talk to English speaking people. I also, as mentioned in many past articles, I belong to 2 Expat groups, Friends of Mindanao and Davao Area Expat Association. Through these groups I have made many friends and associates. Besides the meetings we meet for different social gatherings, house parties, card nights, pot luck meals and other fun activities.

Of all the Expats I have been able to meet here so far I have not met anyone I do not like. Some I like more than others but nobody I try to avoid or stay away from.

As a friend recently told me, he has told others, I am the type of person that is ready to help anyone. If someone needs a hand, a ride, or anything else I am able to do, just one call and I will be there. That is true, I love helping others.

My wife has also made many friendships with the wives and girlfriends of these expats. They are in contact a lot by either landline phone or cell phone text messaging.

Now here are the problems. Just as in our home countries there are different personalities and socio-economic differences. In our home country, if we have a different life style or income status, we tend to be with people in our same lifestyle. We make friends in different ways. Sometimes at work, at a bar, sports clubs, through current friends. We pick and choose who and where we meet and who it will be.
Even with the more commonalities, we sometimes have differences.

Here we have one main thing in common, we are from some other country and living in a country that at times make it difficult. We are at times looked at by the Filipinos as someone they do not want here. Laws and attitudes make it difficult. You cannot own land, a house or a business. You can only own 40%. Most Expats have their house and/or business in their wives or girlfriend’s name.

Another difference is monetary. Some are old enough to have a pension, some have been better at investing over the years to have a nice retirement nest egg, some work online or return for some months to continue their livelihood. And there are people that are not as comfortable and looking to make some income here, legally or not so legal.

With all this going on, we sometimes joke too much, act too different or just do not totally fit in with everyone. I know that feeling well. During my life, enjoying people and trying to help people and make them smile I have been misunderstood.

I do not know if it is intentional, jealousies, malicious intentions, miscommunication or just the old problem showed in the kid’s game “telephone” where one person tells the next person and so on around a group and the story keeps changing but at times facts and communications get misunderstood.

I have had this happen to me and have been able to explain and correct the problem at times that I know of.
In a place where we are in such a smaller group, and see each other often, I hope we all can be open enough to go to people when a problem arises and clear up these situations. If not it can hurt and damage the core and make life difficult to both parties and the common friends we have made.

As the old cliché, “Can’t we all just be friends.” With our differences we can add and learn from others, their knowledge and education. A tree has many branches but together makes a stronger tree.

In part 1 I mentioned a lot of the things I like about Filipinos.

Now some of the little things I do not like. One is courtesies. In driving, walking in the mall, market or on the street.

With driving, they change lanes without looking. At intersections it is who can force themselves through and block your way. Very rarely does a car or jeepney stop and allow you in.

At times, as someone is crossing the street, I will let them pass and they sometimes look at you to make sure you’re not going to go and hit them. When you have directional on signaling to make a turn, you sometimes see them flash their lights, but it sometimes means they will stop and let you go, and others that they are not planning to stop.
Horns are used the same way. One night I was getting ready to turn into my driveway at my home, I had hand out, signal blinking and from a way back a taxi pressed on his horn and keeps it there all the way until he passed me.

Some motorcycle drivers think they are immortal more than car drivers. They will zoom past you on the left side, the right side and even in oncoming lanes.

In the malls, if there is any space between you and another person, they will cut right in front of you.

One day I was at Dunkin Donuts. The clerk was taking care of another customer so I stood back a little. A woman comes in, walks in front of me, squeezes to the counter and starts calling out her order, interrupting the clerk with the current customer.

In the market at the checkout, the carts cannot pass through, so when you unload, it has to be pushed back and out of the way. Sometimes you see someone will be unloading their cart, and then throw things back that they changed their mind. It is not that they realize they do not have enough money since their order has not started to be rung up. I wonder; if you really did not want it, why put it in your cart. Then they are usually the ones that move forward to the cashier and just leave the cart in your way.

Also in the market, there are items you see for weeks, then not see again for months. In a lot of restaurants, both higher end to fast foods you will see things on the menu and be told they are out of it.

One fast food place, Jollibee, has big posters showing they have Chili Cheese Dogs. When we went in to order, we were told, “Oh, that promo has not started yet”. The poster did not say in future or a date it will start. Next time we were told they were out of stock.

There is a foreigner run restaurant that sells some of their products in the mall markets. One item that caught my eye was Veal Sausage. I picked up the package and read the ingredients. Veal Sausage made with chicken and pork. Where is the Veal?

At the office I was working at, so many times employees either come in late or not at all or have never contacted anyone to let them know. When I was asked to leave because of my status not yet arrived to work legally, one thing I heard from the architect, the supervisor told the boss, “Do you know, Bruce always arrives on time and if is to be late or absent, he will always contact us.”

Well, as most things here, you cannot let these things bother you to the point of anxiety or stress; you just need to accept the way things are here.

I have been living here almost a year now and I am still learning how different life is here, and I am sure it will never stop to amaze me.

There are a lot of things I have learned about the people of the Philippines. Most I like some things I need to get used to and some things that I do not like.

Filipinos are very resourceful and most are hard workers. They will have a main job and then have side jobs, selling things, doing services or making things to sell.

I have recommended tradesmen I know or have used and they will offer 10% of their profit as a gift to me for finding them work.

A lady I work with has a side business selling handbags made from a native fiber abaca. They are well made and have some pretty designs and patterns. This lady met with Elena and offered her a percent of her profit if Elena can sell some.

Filipinos are in most cased very friendly. They like to engage in conversation and I find them very open and honest. Yes I know, some of you have found otherwise, but can you tell me all people from your home country are honest?

It might be that I am open and friendly to every Filipino I meet and have the opportunity to talk to. I try not to complain or treat them any different that I want to be treated.

Elena works evenings at an Indian cuisine restaurant and some evenings I will go there to see the owner and sit there until Elena’s shift is over. I will sit outside. The restaurant has outside tables and a lot of evenings there will be people sitting and having beers. Many times I will get into a conversation with someone there. I have met interesting people, learned about them and their life and they will ask me about myself and life in America. Sometimes I will sit down and someone from the next table will just offer me a beer. When I decline they look offended so I have to explain I do not drink beer. Some will offer to buy me a cocktail.

The other day I needed to go see a doctor for a skin allegory that started up. At the end of the exam Elena came in. I needed to use the Restroom so I asked Elena to pay the bill. She later told me the doctor told her how much the doctor enjoyed meeting me. She said most foreigners are cold, sometimes nasty but I was friendly and she enjoyed talking to me and my little jokes.

This was not the first time I have heard comments like this. When I took my car in for service, Cathy, the service writer said to me “Sir, what is wrong with you?” I was confused and asked “Wrong, I am fine” She then said “most foreigners complain about parts delays and other things. I told her, “you do not control the system; it is not your fault, so why not be nice and enjoy talking to her”.

A few weeks ago, there was talk in the office in Bisaya and I saw some kind of tickets. I asked what was going on. Irwin told me his brother gave him 5 complementary tickets to a concert which was across the street form where Elena works. He asked me if I would like to go and offered me 2 tickets. I told him I have at home 3 nieces, their brother and his girlfriend. He then offered me all 5 tickets. I text the girls and they all wanted to go.
I always will show appreciation to someone when they do me a favor so I offered to buy him lunch. He refused and told me the enjoyment of my family seeing the concert was gift enough.

When we go to the mall, all the entrance doors have a security guard that will inspect any carry bags and lightly pat down the men. They will always say hello, but I will also ask how they are today, and I wait for the answer.

A few times one of the guards will be walking through the mall on their way back from break, see me and come over to say hi.

Clerks I have friendly too will walk up, say hi and ask how I am. We usually will get into a conversation about something and after a few minutes they will apologize that they need to get back to work.

Since this is getting long, I will continue and include some things I do not like in part 2 in a few days.

At times I find it difficult to think of things to write about. At first everything was new to me, plus I had all day, every day to write. Now I am getting used to things around me and prefer to stay away from political talk since I did not create the system and do not want to offend anyone writing about it.

I was also hoping that from comments I would find other things to write, but most of the comments are just about that article and not many questions.

Something funny here is the term “Foreigner”. It is not used for everyone that is not a Filipino, it is used for Caucasian people. If a Filipino sees a Chinese, Japanese, Korean, they are Chinese, Japanese, Korean or just an Asian. If they see a black person, they are Negro. But when they see a white man or woman, they are Foreigners.

There is also a lot of people here that have little understanding of Europe and America. I was noticing that most English friends refer to themselves here and being from the UK. I asked why they do not say they are from England and the response I received was that if they say England, a lot of the time they are asked what part of America is that.

I was even asked one time when I said I was from Florida, is that in California?

There in Davao I have met many people from different countries, American, Canadian, English, Irish, German, French, Dutch, Swiss, Sri Lanka, Australia, New Zealand, India and probably others I cannot remember.

Coming from America, the big melting pot, I am just used to meeting people of different origins. While questioning my niece about this subject, my niece asked me if Filipinos in America are called foreigners. I do not ever remember using that in America. Since only “Native Americans” are true natives, I just remember using the country of origin or ancestry to define someone.

That last comment reminded me of something I had heard in America a while back. It was a discussion about racism and prejudice. One person comment on the fact that we have named groups such as African American, Latin American, Asian American and even Native American. They continued to comment that if you want to stop prejudice, stop putting people into groups.

Well it has been 8 weeks since I have arrived in Davao and I decided to write about how life has been here. I have posted stories about experiences but now a little recap.

Living here is defiantly different here. Foods, language, travel, driving and daily life.
The heat and humidity is similar to Florida but it feels worse here. We do have an aircon in the bedroom but only use it during the time we are asleep. During the day I am either in front of a fan or I sit outside if there is a nice breeze.

Since I had lived alone for many years, actually most of my life, I am used to doing everything myself. Here Elena and our nieces do everything. I am so lucky having such a loving and caring family.

When I wake, I go outside for a cigarette and Elena makes me a glass of juice. As I am sitting there, I hear the whistle of the teapot for the hot water to make my coffee. On one of my past trips I brought a French Press. That is a device to make coffee. It is a glass container similar to a beaker with a metal holder/stand. It has a cap with a plunger. The plunger has a screen on the end. You put in the amount of ground coffee and then add hot water. You let it steep for 4 minutes and then slowly press the plunger down. That forces the grounds to the bottom and you pour out your fresh brewed coffee.

Later is breakfast. Some days it is similar to US meals. Eggs, bacon or sausage and toast. Of course most also eat rice. Some days it is the leftovers from dinner the night before. I do not like a heavy breakfast so on those days I either eat oatmeal, or just coffee.

On Mondays or Tuesdays is marketing. We go to Agdao Public Market first to get our meats, chicken, fish and produce then after bringing it all home and after having lunch we go to the market at the mall to get the rest of our provisions.

The rest of my time I am either researching things about the Philippines to learn more about the country and life here, watching some American TV shows I have downloaded or meeting people to make contacts to utilize my talents and knowledge to help and to find ways of earning some money.

I am not the entrepreneurial type, I am a worker. I would like to do Architectural Drafting for people or firms here or outsource work from anywhere in the world. I have a solid knowledge of American architecture and codes, plus a comfortable level of AutoCAD Desktop I can work in any firm’s standards or style.

In the evenings we have dinner with the family and then watch some TV. My routine from the past fits with Elena’s even with sleep times. We are usually in bed by 9:30 and asleep by 10 each night.

The 3 nieces living with us are in College for Nursing. They are usually gone from the house by 6-7am and home by the evening unless they have duty in the hospital. Then they sometimes are on 11PM to 7AM duty.

Once home they do their studies and sleep. I do not know how they do it. Between school, duty and studying they do not have much free time and that is spend doing laundry and helping with the chores.

We also have a nephew with us who has recently received his license as a Midwife. He has applied to all the hospitals in the city but no offers as yet.

I do not know what we will do once he starts working since he is such a big help around the house. He is also a good cook.

Of all the family he is willing to speak in English in the house. Unfortunately at times he is the type of person to listen in to all conversations and comment on everything. I joke with him about it but most of all just listen.

The girls have an older brother who lives here in Davao. He is a Sales Representative for a distributer of Proctor and Gamble. Even though his English is the weakest since he has no need for English with work or friends but he will speak English here while visiting us. He even commented he was so proud when in daily life he can comfortably talk to someone in English. I am proud of him too.

I know my living here has added stress to all my family here with some of my rules in the house and wanting them to speak in English so I can feel part of their lives, but I love them all as if they are my own daughters and sons.

I have not only gotten a wonderful woman but a wonderful and loving family too.